eng journeys

2008-05-05T06:41:00.000-07:00

KY is 6-months old and
she is now able to smile for the camera :)

2008-05-04T07:22:00.000-07:00

Another lesson to learn..

Kye Yue has just turned 6 months old yesterday. We are truly thankful to God – its been an amazing 6 months – the initial two months were really tough, then it became easier as she cried less and was able to interact and respond to us more.

Yet this recent week has brought back some of those early struggles I had – she had a bout of diarrhea, then I caught the bug and then it was Elijah’s turn. My breastmilk supply dipped and she started to wake 3 or 4 times a night to feed – previously she would mostly wake twice a night.

I did not get enough sleep at night and I resented having to get up so much in the night. My negative mood continued on in the day. Desperate to make some changes to the night waking and night feeds (doesn’t help when I hear that other babies her age have been able to sleep through the night!), I searched the internet and re-read some guide books which all basically said: feed the baby more in the day, so she won’t be so hungry and feed so much in the night.

So feeding times became a battleground. I was trying to make her drink as much milk as possible and as quickly as possible. Well, the guidebook also said that babies her age are able to finish drinking in 20 minutes or so. Problem is that for the past few months, Kye Yue has been more like her father who loves to go to Ya Kun for a leisurely cup of Teh-si.

She started to cry a lot during feeding times. And in my desperation and stress, I was switching sides, or burping her, or putting her to the potty every time she paused from drinking. No wonder she struggled so much. It was no longer a relaxing Ya Kun session, it looked more like a 20-minute breastfeeding contest.

Until just now. She cried and struggled lots again. Between switching sides and burping her, I was losing it “What do you want, Kye Yue? Mummy doesn’t know what you want!” Then it was my turn to cry.

She stopped crying and looked at me intently. She saw me wipe my tears. I looked at her. And she smiled.

By God’s grace, her tears and mine have cleared my eyes and helped me to see better. Whenever I think “what’s wrong with her?”, it may be helpful to consider – what’s been happening in our interaction? What are her basic needs and how are they being met?

At 6 months I think her needs are essentially food, warmth, love, safety, stability. When her needs are met, I think she will be able to be less frustrated and less whiney and cry-ey. And maybe less clingy and more able to spend short times on her own.

Dear Lord Jesus, will You please help me? So often I find myself at my wit’s end. So often I don’t know what to do. So often what the guidebooks say don’t work perfectly. Almighty God, You are Kye Yue’s Creator. You know best. So teach me. And help me look to You. Thank You. Amen.

2008-03-02T18:59:00.001-08:00

KY having fun with papa

2008-03-02T18:57:00.001-08:00

growing and changing

2008-03-01T15:24:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow Kye Yue turns 4 months old. How time flies indeed.

We have been back in PP for 7 weeks already. From the first week we got back when I was struggling with looking after her till today when I still sometimes struggle, but I definitely feel more settled.

Every evening after a quick dinner, I carry her to take a half hour stroll in the street outside. During the evenings, the street bustles with people and activity. I have met many neighbors – many also carry their young ones in their arms, kids who can walk and run will be playing; the teenage boys play-fighting each other or chit chatting; a couple playing badminton. It is interesting to talk with other women in the neighborhood– some thing I had never done before these walks as we are always tired after coming home from a day’s work in the office.

About 3 weeks back, Kye Yue started to have stranger anxiety – she would cry when a new person came up to her to say hello or make faces at her. Every one except Elijah and I would evoke a cry from her. It was ok for her to look at people and her favorite all-time activity has been to be on the street and watch motocycles, bicycles, tuk-tuks and people go by. But it wasn’t ok when people looked at her or interacted with her.

Actually the same situation would be less of a problem if we were in Singapore – how often do strangers come and interact with a baby or offer to carry the baby and even kiss the baby?

Here in Cambodia, it happens all the time – other adults, and even children will offer to carry her. And it will be so unfriendly (of me!) to say No to them. Neighborhood kids will come up and touch her face, pinch her cheek or kiss her. In restaurants, the lady-staff will offer to carry her and then kiss her.

We prayed for her and asked friends to pray. We read up about stranger anxiety and what to do to help.

These couple of days it has become better – when some familiar people come and interact with her, she is even able to smile at them. Today at the Indian restaurant, the owner managed to carry her for a minute or so, even with her face against his stubby beard!

Thank God for the change!

thinking about it - KY is not the only one growing and changing, in many ways I too am growing and changing.

Grace

Back in Phnom Penh -with GG this time

2008-01-11T23:15:00.000-08:00

picture of GG in her bed in the mosquito net.

I am stealing moments to write this.

While GG is asleep still. Now learning to do things as quickly as possible.

Second day back in PP. thank God that GG is adjusting to the changes fairly well. Of course she still cries – babies will cry some.

When I carry her to put her to sleep and she cries, I can’t help but think that she is missing her grandmother, my mum who has been helping to take care of her for the first 2 months. As I think that way, tears come to my own eyes and I miss my mum too.

Perhaps for me too, there is separation anxiety – I realized how much my mum and dad has done for me and I am learning to do the same and be a good parent to GG.

Surely mistakes will be made as a parent. Surely even as I try to put her on a routine, I cannot expect her to stay by the clock on the dot – I don’t expect that of myself too.

So I am learning – to have a routine and yet to be flexible. To set expectations and yet to understand that there are misses and that is ok. To learn to enjoy the process.

Thank God for this opportunity to learn..

In the days to come, there will be much more to learn – what to do when she begins teething, or when she runs a fever, or when she begins to crawl, or when she knocks herself. We also want to change her to use cloth diapers – that means she will probably cry more when she is wet and uncomfortable, and more diaper changing exercise for me. Not particularly exciting really.

But as I think about it, I must have shitted hundreds of times as a baby and how my mum and dad and grandma who looked after me have patiently and lovingly cleaned me up every time in those pre disposable-diapers days. Surely I can learn something from them.

As my Aunt Helen told me, “When you become a mother, you really can appreciate your own mother.” She is right.

worried parents

2007-12-13T02:09:00.000-08:00

we learnt about parenthood - the worries of it - when GG was increasingly spitting up milk after every meal.

she was hospitalised at KKH for 3 days - and we camped in the hospital next to her. Doctors say it is likely to be reflux as her digestive system is still not mature. It is likely to improve and be ok when she is 3 months old. Meanwhile we are to keeep her upright for 30 minutes after each feed, and let her sleep in a 30 degree slant. Think of it this way - she has an early induction to acrobatics.

But she does cry a lot and seems to be uncomfortable. Apparently when i was a baby, that happened with me too!

Photo: a recent picture of GG - her real name, Sim Kye Yue (SKY) in her LKY pose (thanks Constance!)

Post by Grace

REMINISCENCE

2007-11-25T22:16:00.000-08:00

Recently someone sent me the above old photo taken in 1994. She is Desiree and she is in this photo (seated extreme right). The photo was taken at a Pasir Ris Christmas Celebration at the void deck of Block 534, organized by Pasir Ris Family Service Centre, my first working place. I still remember every single child in this photo. I was known to them as Uncle Sian Kiong (nobody calls me by that now). I had just graduated and started on my first job as a social worker. In 1994 I was only 25 years old - youthful and innocent days – the world was a world of imagined possibilities, haven’t quite fully being initiated into the passages of life realities.

Today every one of them would have grown up into young men and fair ladies. I wonder how are these children whom I used to interact with in close proximity in the yester-years. But at least I have recently learnt that Desiree is already in her final year in NTU, graduating in no time and waiting to plunge into the real working world, just as I did in 1994. The world now belongs to this new generation – youthful as they are, with gusto and bite in face of a new world order.

I was on msn with Gary today (after not doing so for a long time). Gary is another child whom I had known from Pasir Ris Family Service Centre since he was Primary 1 (I think). Now he is 18 years and heading to NS in a few days’ time. He has gone into big-time sales in the past one year, traveling to different countries already, sometimes all by himself, he told me. Wow! I just couldn’t have imagined Gary doing that while he was still in Primary 1.

These youthful oomph’s were the innocent faces of yesteryears – welcome to a brand new world! I wish you well as you embark on a new adventure of your life-time. New challenges await you; new possibilities greet you at every turn; but along with it, new growing pains (that is not just limited to teenage years, mind you) will continue to confront you but only with the intent of maturing our character, if only we do not become bitter and hardened through the process. Take care to retain your childlike innocence because innocence can be a virtue and not to be confused with childish gullibility.

Growing wiser does not mean losing your innocence.

Thanks so much, Desiree for sending the photo and the email!

Still growing up,
Eli-yah

A REAL SENSE OF HOMECOMING

2007-11-25T20:11:00.000-08:00

Time really flies – we have been working in Cambodia for over three & a half years now. Each time, when Grace and I came back to Singapore for holiday or meetings, I always felt a huge sense of excitement and eagerness to be back to familiar homeland Singapore. Not that we are not enjoying our work in Cambodia – we are. But nevertheless Singapore is where roots belong; Singapore is where we grow and it is also Singapore which makes it all possible for us to root deeper, climb higher and spread our branches beyond the shores of Singapore.

So homecoming, despite having done so many times in this 3.5 years, have never lose its special meaning and appeal for a oft-home-sick Singaporean like me.

But Grace would always reason that home is where she is. So no matter where I am (Singapore or Cambodia), so long as she is around, that is home – that will be family. I wouldn’t agree more; but yet, I would counter by reasoning that home would be more complete if we were to be back to our own Blk 557 Pasir Ris St 51, which has now become the temporary property of our tenant; hence making us trespassers of our own flat if we try to enter it without permission… Sigh, sadly! We haven’t entered it for a good number of years now (despite that the details of our flat and my favorite activities in it remained firmly etched in our mind).

18 Sep 07 – For the first time, Grace and I were separated for the first time, the longest time in our 6 years of marriage – a good 18 days. Grace had to be back to Singapore to prepare for her delivery of our first child (oh how excited, despite apprehensive too, were we) while I remained behind in Cambodia for work. And I can tell you, I can now empathize with any baby or child who has separation anxiety with her parents, because that was exactly (maybe not exactly lah) the same anxiety I felt when I was about to be separated from Grace.

So on 6 Oct and then again on 25 Oct when I came back to Singapore to reunite with Grace, the feeling of homecoming took on an even greater significance. And I begin to remember and appreciate Grace’s words much better, “Home is where I am!”… Her message was finally driven home.

Now the worst separation in my life (so far I think), is on 9 Nov, only 6 days after our baby was born on 3 Nov, when I had to go back to Cambodia all alone. It was difficult, to say the least. I couldn’t wait for the next 13 days to drift by as swiftly as possibly because I really want to be back with family, now that the unit is complete with our first bundle of heavenly joy and delight.

So finally on 22 Nov night while I was waiting for departure at Phnom Penh Airport Departure Hall, alone myself and unknown to the many other waiting passengers, I felt a REAL sense, a very authentic & un-faked sense, of homecoming. It was a homecoming like never before.

So at the Phnom Penh airport, while many affluent Cambodians were catching the Water Festival Holiday season (which started the following day on 23 Nov, when the fateful drowning accident of the 5 Singaporean dragon boat team members took place at Tonle Sap, a river which I had to cross everyday to work) were leaving home for Singapore for a holiday getaway, I was coming home for my own getaway, right into the heartland of my Singapore homeland, and into the warmth and love of my very own family. THIS IS HOME indeed!

Experiencing homecoming,
Eli-yah

Afterthought

But as I reflected on the spiritual significance of this personal experience of mine, I wondered if I would have been as enthusiastic and eager with my heavenly homecoming as with my earthly homecoming? Have I, in my embrace of my earthly family (a blessing and heavenly inheritance indeed), diminished my desire like Paul’s “desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far” (Philippians 1:23b)? Or have I yet to learn from the fathers of faith of bible times who “were longing for a better country – a heavenly one” (Hebrews 11:16).

Relearning homecoming,
Eli-yah

2007-11-24T15:49:00.000-08:00

2007-11-24T15:27:00.000-08:00

Grace writes:

I had wanted to update the blog for a long time. Have had many experiences – about the birth and the past 3 weeks of motherhood – but had not been able to find time and energy to do so.

GG is 3 weeks old already – and I am 3 weeks old as a mother! Her helplessness - needing food, needing to be cleaned whenever she soils herself, needing to be held close, comforted and given attention in this new world where she finds herself in – is often a reflection of my own helplessness in this new role as a mother.

How to latch on properly for breastfeeding, how to burp her, how long to burp her, how to carry her securely – these are all lessons in Motherhood 101. I haven’t finished this module yet – my mother has been a great help in so many ways – she bathes GG everyday – I told myself, wait till GG is a month old first (more like, wait till I am a month old as a mother first) before I move on from the Basic Basics to the Intermediate Basics. Afterall, food and comfort are more basic needs than a need to be clean, right? (Elijah will probably disagree with me on this point! Equally important, he will say.)

One of the main things I have learnt in this 3 weeks is that – I can’t bring up a child alone. No way. Children are not meant to be brought up by just one care-giver. The task is too huge and demanding on one person – unless it is Superwoman, and I’m no Superwoman.

God put newborns in families, with father and mother, grandparents, uncles and aunts, cousins, experienced and concerned friends, etc. so that all these people, to different extents, play significant parts in the child’s growing up. Likewise, as a newbie-mother, I have found this circle of support to be a great help to me.

I found myself gaining a new appreciation of my mother in these 3 weeks – how she has been looking after me – cooking, washing (confinement period, not supposed to touch water – so I don’t even need to wash the plates after meals!), boiling water for my bath and use, helping to carry GG and sing to her, talk to her, pray for her. Earlier on when my breastmilk supply was not stable and there was not enough milk for GG who was crying and struggling, I really felt like giving up breastfeeding because I thought it was too stressful for me and affecting mum and dad whom I was staying with. Mum saw my tears and asked me about it. Then she responded “Breastfeeding is a process – just continue on in this process”.

In my anxiety with the stress of the moment, I had lost sight of the bigger picture – that not having enough breastmilk is one of the steps in the journey of breastfeeding, and if we continue and not give up, in the natural process, milk supply will increase.

How thankful I was for a wise mother. She offered me the bigger perspective when I all I could see was the agony of the moment. Thank God for mothers! May this newbie-mother also go through the lessons of Motherhood 101, 201, 301… and many electives – and I don’t know when I will ever graduate – and learn the value of persevering in the process.

Many things to write about – have been pondering many things in my heart – but will steal another time to do so.

Thanks for all your concern for us! God bless you!

2007-11-11T22:06:00.001-08:00

one of papa Elijah's (Sian Kiong) creative shots - hands

2007-11-11T22:00:00.000-08:00

Picture of GG - one week old!

I am a father... We are parents... FINALLY!!!!

2007-11-03T09:29:00.000-07:00

I AM A FATHER… WE ARE PARENTS … FINALLY!!!!

Welcome Kai (3) Yue (4) … meaning Victorious Delight (name inspired by passage given to Grace from Hannah’s prayer in 1 Sam 2:1-10 & from Psalm 21 & 37 given to Elijah). You may not yet make the connection, but as parents, we did lah!! :-) Will explain in another update lah!

Bio-statistics
DOB: 3 Nov 2007
Time of Birth: 1733 hours
Gender: Girl
Weight: 3.459kg
Length: 44cm
Head Circumference: 36cm (I will verify again)
Health Status: Excellent
First identifiable characters: Obedient and brave (like Mummy :-)
Ambition: Evangelist (?? :-) – see testimony below

Other Interesting Info
First contraction detected: 3 Nov 2plus am (at home)
Admitted to KKH: About 6:30am
Enter delivery suite: About 8am
Started pushing: About 4pm (ie. very long labor)
Delivery: Fully natural
Source of Strength: Divine
Outcome: Miracle (will explain more)
Mummy: Brave & the STAR of the DAY!!!

One of Many Testimonies
Quoting Dr Wee (roughly to this extent): “This is a personal testimony to me of divine intervention in the process” (ie. that Grace, a first-time mother, delivering naturally). Dr Wee used to attend church while studying to be a doctor in UK and he was inspired by a pastor to become an O&G doctor then. We knew in our spirit that Kai (3) Yue (4) birth has been a powerful Christian witness to him and the delivery team.

All glory to the Living God!

Exhausted but rejoicing!!!

Eli-yah (Grace & Kai Yue)

"A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world." (Gospel of John 16:21)

Waiting... Delaying... Waiting...

2007-11-01T03:05:00.000-07:00

WAITING… DELAYING… WAITING…

1 Nov 2007 6:05pm Singapore Time…

We are still waiting ... patiently waiting, yet secretly longing and praying that the arrival will be sooner than later.

I rushed back to Singapore on 25 Oct and prayed the arrival would be delayed so that I will be around in time to welcome the BIG ARRIVAL of our lives.

Now one week has passed since I returned, but the arrival is delayed way beyond our heart’s desire and prayer. I go back to PP on 9 Nov – each day of delay will be mean one day lesser of my time spent with family, yes FAMILY (Father And Mother I Love You). It will be another 2 more loooooonnng weeks before I returned back to Singapore again on 22 Nov.

I pray 3 Nov will come sooner … I can’t wait
I pray 9 Nov will be delayed … I can wait
I pray 22 Nov will come sooner … I can’t wait
I pray 7 Dec will be delayed …. I can wait
I pray 22 Dec will come sooner … I can’t wait

I pray… “Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord” (Psalm 27:14)

Still waiting,
Eli-yah

A First Letter from a First-time MUMMY

2007-10-29T07:12:00.000-07:00

A FIRST LETTER FROM A FIRST-TIME MUMMY

Hello Guai Guai-Baby,

Your papa and I say we will call you guai guai until we decide on a name for you.

This is the first time mummy is writing to you – I am 35 weeks in my pregnancy – that means the doctor predicts that you will be born in a month’s time.

So now mummy has a big tummy - and you are inside mummy for only about a month more – after that, by God’s grace, you will be born – you will come out of mummy, and be able to breathe and eat and learn to do many things on your own.

Carrying you in me for the past 8-9 months is an amazing time. Because in the last 4 months, I have been able to feel you move inside me – sometimes you kick, sometimes you move your legs or hands – and it is amazing to feel you – you are not me yet you are in me

God is amazing – He is our Creator and Designer and He designed you – fearfully and wonderfully. Mummy and Papa could never have designed you – we don’t understand how you are formed together – only God Almighty could have done this miraculous work of creating you.

We want you to know that we love you – though we have never seen you – except through the ultrasound scans – but we love you so much – and this love really comes from God because God is love. God loves your papa and me, and God has taught us to love each other, and now we love you too, Baby!

This is the first time I will be a Mummy – and so I think I will make some mistakes with you – I know you will forgive me I know God will protect all of us – He has been doing that so many times already – in the third month that I was carrying you, we found out that there was a threat of hyperthyroidism (long word – just know that it was a medical condition that could be dangerous) but we and many people around the world prayed – and the danger was gone! Isn’t God good?

Then in the sixth-seventh month, I had a urinary tract infection and vaginal infection, and was very worried about it – but God has also healed me and protected you!

Now, just last week, I found out that I have mild gestational diabetes, but thank God it is mild and can be controlled by diet. We also are praying for God’s protection on you and mummy even through this threat.

So Guai Guai, know that God is good and has been doing miracles in your life even before you were born! You will come to know God, He will be your Heavenly Father – He who never changes and who will be with you even when papa and mummy cannot be near you.

We love you, baby!

Mummy will write to you again!

Mummy, 30 September 2007

A first letter from A first-time DAD

2007-10-29T07:06:00.000-07:00

A FIRST LETTER FROM A FIRST-TIME PAPA

Dearest GG – my very own beloved,

Papa or Daddy or whatever you would call me in the future (let nature take its course lahJ), is writing this on the plane on Jetstar flying back now to Singapore to welcome your arrival to this world. Thank you for waiting for Papa patiently. That’s probably my first instruction to you and I am so proud you obeyed.

Like your Mama, I am very eager to see you and hold you in my own hands, and to feel the warmth of your body, and the gentleness of your skin, and feeling your first breaths of life, the first gasps for air – your first sign of independence.

I am constantly amazed by how God created you in your Mama’s womb – something which I have never truly allowed myself to wonder at before. Only until your Mama’s pregnancy, did I realize the awesome and mystical creativity of yours and my Almighty Father in Heaven. Remember HE is your bigger (or biggest) PAPA in heaven.

I am very excited to be your Papa and the Papa of your other younger brothers & sisters (hmmm… if God blesses us with more kids). But at the same time, I wonder if I will be a good Papa. Papa will try to be a good one but you know that Papa will also make mistakes – because I am, like you, human and therefore sinful. There will also be times you will see the ugly side of Papa. But do believe me that I will always want to change so that I will be more and more like our Lord Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. So GG, learn from Papa ok, as I learn from Christ.

I only pray that PAPA in heaven will help me to be a good Papa – although I will never be perfect, or try to be a perfect one. We will maybe sometimes make each other angry, sad or upset. But I pray that we will also learn to forgive each other and grow even closer through those not-so-happy times. But I pray those unhappy times will be few.

Instead, I trust God also that we will have many happy moments together – like playing together, praying together, reading together, going for outing together (yes, I want to visit the zoo again with you – it will be fun, I haven’t go to the zoo for a long time now), studying together (ops! I think studying can be fun though), and many other things together. Papa can also be a fun person you know J … just like Mama.

I believe we will enjoy each other, including your Mama and your sisters/brothers. But most important of all, Papa always prays that we will enjoy God the most. That is why when Mama and I discussed your name, we want to take it from Psalm 21 & 37. Especially Psalm 37:4 – “Delight in the Lord and He will grant you the desires of your heart.” Do you know that you are the desire of our hearts – Mama and Papa wanted to have a baby and God answered our prayers! I remembered that early 2007 I dreamt about us having a baby – and I think that is you. And then, in Feb 07, we were so happy to learn that Mama has conceived you.

We want you to know that we always desired you, we love you and we accept you. You will always be our own flesh and blood. But Papa also made a prayer to God that we want to learn to surrender you to God.

Mama and I also thank God very much for a very smooth pregnancy. Your Mama did not have many difficulties when she carried you. It was God’s grace (oh yes, that is your Mama’s name, GRACE). When we were worried about your Mama’s thyroid problem during her pregnancy which may affect your growth, God also cured her completely of it. It was God’s GRACE. When your Mama had gestational diabetes (wow! That’s a big word to understand – next time we will explain to you) during pregnancy, God again cured her of it. It was God’s grace again!!!

Remember GG, live up to your name. Whatever you do, God can make it successful. Whatever you desire, God can give you. But only if you learn to delight in the presence of God and to delight in His will. Understood? Well, Papa hopes to guide and teach you in this. Maybe next time when you are older we can talk about it together.

Well, it is a very long first letter. I will write to you again. Maybe next time you can write to me and Mama too.

I am so eager to see you, to feel you, to touch you, to smell you, to hold you. Because you have been so patient, Papa will also learn from you and be patient too, until you safely arrive in this world.

I love you, GG and I love your Mama too. I also love God very much too.

I really pray that you will also learn to love God, your Creator, the Greatest One who carefully formed you in your Mama’s womb, and breathe His breath of life in your body and spirit.

Love,
Papa
25th October 2007
10:51pm Singapore Time

News!

2007-10-17T23:03:00.000-07:00

haven't written anything here for ages..

anyway, a quick update of what's happening in our lives - Grace is back in Singapore since Sept 07. till Jan 08.

Elijah is still in Phnom Penh, Cambodia now. He returns on 26 Oct 07 to await the birth of our first child (Yippee! Thank God! no name yet - we call her guai(1) guai(1), estimated due date on 3 Nov 07.

Elijah will need to travel between Singapore and Phnom Penh as there's work that he needs to do there and can't stay away for too long at a stretch.

Will update again :)

God bless you folks who still drop by this page - you are quite exceptional! cos even we ourselves haven't dropped by for more than a year already!

by Grace

I want to ...

2006-04-10T02:28:00.000-07:00

"I want to..."

At this morning’s office devotions, we read from Philippians 3:7-11

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ … I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death…

Unlike Paul who had a prodigious background which he then considered as rubbish, I don’t have a long CV nor many alphabets behind my name. But reading his impassioned purpose statement arouses something in me and makes me wonder about my own “I want to.. ” statements.

What do I want? I think at different life stages, I have completed the sentence differently.

I want to pass my exams.
I want to get a scholarship.
I want to get into this course.
I want to fall in love with the right person.
I want to get married.
I want to buy a flat.
I want to have kids.
I want to have a fulfilling career.
I want to have a good marriage.

The list goes on, my wants changing with each phase in life.

I want to know Christ.
I want to know the power of Christ’s resurrection.
I want to know the fellowship of sharing in Christ’s suffering.

This sounds rather strange and unfamiliar. Not something I will typically say. Not something I will typically pray.

O Lord, sometimes I want so many things in life – I want because I think these things will give meaning to my life. Then I am confronted with Paul who had had so many good things whom he labelled as rubbish compared to knowing You. I guess he really knew You – in such a way that he will not exchange anything else for knowing You. O Lord that I may know You in such a way that all my other want-lists will fade away.

Grace

going home soon

2006-04-10T02:04:00.000-07:00

Going back to Singapore in 3 days’ time. Amongst other work-related meetings is to meet up with Uncle George, our pastor. As we have crossed the 2 year mark of our time in Cambodia, we will be discussing about the next step after the 3-year term ends in March 2007.

What’s next? Honestly I am not sure. Part of us want to stay – things are in the beginning stages, and stability is good – developing our local colleagues in their spiritual journey and in their social work and counseling skills takes time. We are coming along somewhat in our Khmer language and humanly speaking it is a waste to leave.

Yet there is a side of us that long for home too. Long for the familiarity of Singapore – where family and friends are; where we know how things work and they work (e.g. electricity, police and justice system, etc.) Elijah misses the stimulating conversations he could have with colleagues about counseling and work and ministry stuff. I miss reading the newspapers and going to the library to just browse and to walk around the shopping malls just to chill out. And who doesn’t miss laksa and char kway teow?

Written before dinner time, 9 April 2006.

Grace

Moment of innocence

2006-03-18T16:50:00.000-08:00

Moment of innocence

Traveling back home one day, pillion-riding together with Grace on a motorbike taxi - amidst the busy and noisy traffic, there was silence between us, as my own mind was caught racing back to the events of the day (about countless undone things and endless unresolved matters); oblivious to what might be happening there and then around us.

Then in a most unannounced fashion, my attention was suddenly diverted to a most insignificant and unspectacular non-event on Monivong Bridge. A pick-up was traveling closely beside our motorbike. At the back of the pick-up were 3 young Cambodian children happily enjoying the ride, not talking to each other but nonetheless displaying subtle facial expression of simple content and a sense of pure thrill. They moved carefully yet precariously about, changing from one place to another in the moving vehicle just to get a different view, which would have easily earned them the quick reprimand of any concerned Singaporean parent.

The pick-up was a relatively new one and the front seats were spacious and comfortable with air-conditioning, a traveling luxury and momentary relief from the biting heat of the late afternoon sun. Yet there was no one else in the air-conditioned compartment apart from the adult driver. It not difficult to imagine that the 3 children had probably unanimously voted for a seat at the back of the pick-up which provided a better view of their world; never mind the heat – perhaps that was part of their total experience.

And in the instance of a few seconds, my mind raced further back to the early 1980’s when I was a child myself. My father did not own a car. But on rare occasions, my father would borrow a pick-up from a friend and bring my sister, brother and I (that’s 3 of us too ☺) on joy-rides. The best rides were during Christmas light-up seasons along Orchard Road. The 3 of us (and sometimes our younger cousins would join us as well) were simply overjoyed by such simple treats.

In the simplicity of our mind, Orchard Road was a very big world to be explored. Fascinated by the dancing lights, mesmerized by the stylish fairy-tale Christmas décor, breathing in every moment, savoring each simple experience; eagerly looking ahead of us in anticipation of new surprises and yet busily turning our heads behind every now and then less we missed out anything that might have escaped our vision.

And looking back was also a way to recapture fleeting moments of innocence which might end when we headed back for home.

A world of discovery

Little wonder that a child discovers and learns so much of her outer world. In the simplicity of her mind, the world has many mysteries for her to explore – even the simplest of life has much to teach and offer.

In the cluttered-ness of our adult minds, the outer world is being tuned out because we are so caught up re-ordering our inner world, making sense of our muddled inner thoughts. And the simplest of things finds no resting place in our hurried lives.

Perhaps true Sabbath-rest belongs to the child – who with simple faith gets a better grip on the gift of grace, illuminated by even the minute-ness of God’s creation.

“For everyone who enters God’s rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from His.” (Hebrews 4:10)

Re-discovering life… relearning Sabbath-rest

Join me,
Eli-yah

Highlight of the week

2006-03-10T20:39:00.000-08:00

Highlight of the Week!

10th March, Friday at 4:30pm – The work week officially ended and I was really looking forward to another weekend off work. Stayed behind for a little to check emails on my laptop… and as usual I had to go through the following 12-step motions:

A. Shut down my laptop at my work desk
B. Unplug my laptop
C. Walk a couple meters to another place in our office where there is internet connection
D. Make sure no one is checking email at the same time
E. Plug in my laptop and connect to the internet cable
F. Switch on my laptop and wait for it to load (which takes a while for an old, retarded and seriously “virus-ed” system)
G. Check for internet connection
H. Download emails
I. When done, disconnect everything and shut down my system
J. Walk back the couple of meters back to my office desk
K. Set-up my laptop again and wait for it to load (remember: “virus-ed” system)
L. Resume work (well, if I am not going home yet of course)

So what’s new? Well, as usual on this fateful 10th March, as I was about to check my emails, Jordan REAGAN surprised us.

You see, we had a US lady visiting us this week – her name is Jordan REAGAN. For those who do not yet know, our office is painted all white and has been affectionately called the “WHITE HOUSE”. So imagine REAGAN visiting the WHITE HOUSE in Cambodia ☺. But that is not the point.

The surprise is: Jordan was in another part of our office and she was happily on the internet, on wireless connection !!!!!!!!!!!

Huh? Wireless connection? We never did know we ever had wireless connection in our office.

The only key to the mystery is that back in July 05 (that is a good 7 months ago), we had a Singaporean IT volunteer who helped us set up our network system linking a few desktops computers together with shared internet connection. But we never ever knew that our laptops can be connected wirelessly and effortlessly.

So for the first time, I happily checked my emails on wireless connection in my office.

For over 7 months, imagine Grace and I having to go through the daily motions of steps A-L above. But I did not feel so stupid as I felt elated at the reality of working at the comfort of my office desk with the efficiency of 24-hour wireless connection. Ok, ok! It is not broadband speed but I am still happily thankful.

Thank you Reagan for visiting our White House! You are God-sent!

Elated & thankful,
Eli-yah

Almost 2 years

2006-03-09T20:51:00.000-08:00

Almost 2 years

Its almost 2 years already since we have arrived in Phnom Penh, Cambodia on 27 March 2004.

Its been a big adjustment on many fronts. There are still many things that I am trying to adjust – especially my expectations.

The external things are always easier – riding the bicycle (not yet progressed to the motorcycle I must confess) on the creative-driving roads of Phnom Penh, breathing in the dust, getting used to the power cuts (to make it sound better: candle-light nights), making a delicious meal of fried egg with tomato with rice, learning Khmer language – than the internal stuff – my expectations of myself in learning Khmer and in working with my colleagues, my expectations of their work and time management.

Arrived two years ago, but not yet fully arrived.

I guess that’s life . Always on a journey, always with new things to discover about God, about others, about myself. Always with old things to uncover too, especially about myself.

Glad to be alive.
Humbled that despite myself, God has helped us to be here.
Grateful to many who pray and support us financially to make this possible and ..
Thank God It’s Friday!

Grace

testing a picture

2006-03-08T20:54:00.000-08:00

hi i am testing if i know how to put a picture.. this is elijah having a good time at Dalat, Vietnam while we took a break.

A Future Tomorrow

2006-03-06T02:53:00.000-08:00

A FUTURE TOMORROW

Written on: 5 Mar 06
Posted on: 6 Mar 06

Tomorrow begins another crazy week. Each week that passed must have only been by the grace of God. Otherwise, I would have collapsed mentally and emotionally long time ago. I wonder how I have survived so far.

Next week: will it be the same? Yes, the grace of God will be sufficient for me. But I am barely holding up using my own strength. Although I survived each week, mediocrity has crept into my work and I am not feeling fulfilled professionally and spiritually. Sometimes at the thought and sight of the piling work and impossible datelines, I just let lethargy take the better of me.

The thoughts of wanting to return back to study came back again. I have lost my professional edge and worst still, my spiritual sensitivity. Perhaps returning back to study might give me an extended and reflective break from 12 incessant years of work and ministry since my graduation in 1994.

But I ask: what will study really give me? - A false sense of intellectual security? – A re-inflated professional ego? – Pumping up once more my mental prowess? – A return back to old glory and familiar command, much as Peter returned back to his old trade?

So I fear: will this place me out of God’s will? Am I conjuring up my own dreams rather placing the Kingdom of God first?

Anyway, I have to face tomorrow first. I want to begin tomorrow different – with a new outlook and a different courage, plus a fresh grip on God’s grace and a re-entry into the mind of Christ.

Oh Lord, won’t You help me, please!

Elij-yah

2006-03-04T00:15:00.000-08:00

from Grace

Its been a busy week. On Mondays, we have started a program in the primary school nearby to teach a group of 12 children a package prepared by Tearfund, “Safe children karaoke program”. We have 11 sessions to teach about self-esteem, peer pressure, drugs, physical and sexual abuse. We have added another weekly session to have a ‘Club Time’ in the school – where drama activities and crafts are done to reinforce the lessons taught on Mondays.

Amazing how the Lord has opened the door for us to work with the school that is actually situated on temple grounds. The school authorities have expressed that we cannot share the gospel on the school grounds. We respect that. But there are also many other opportunities to meet the kids and their families – in 2 weeks time, we will have the first Parent’s group session with the parents of the kids in the program held at our premises.

Yesterday we had the first of two training sessions for the teachers of the school on Identifying Child Abuse. Today we’ll have a session with the staff of a partner Christian NGO, TASK.

When I look back, I see the many connections that has made all this possible. When the youth team from REACH Family Service Center visited in December 2005, they raised funds to help renovate a school room and conducted English activity lessons with some students in the school. The students enjoyed it very much and the school appreciated what the team did. It opened the door for us to propose to do more with the school.

When Tapestry Playback Theatre members visited us also in December last year, we learnt about spontaneous theatre and enjoyed it tremendously. That inspired many ideas to create a highly-participative curriculum for the students.

We are certainly reaping the benefits of those visits now. May it multiply many times more as we continue to labor with the strength that the Lord gives and with the many partners that He sends our way.

The irony of slowness

2006-03-03T05:37:00.000-08:00

THE IRONY OF SLOW-NESS

Ended off today on a low note… but glad the week is over and it is going to be 2 days of rest (or so I hope??).

Conducted some training on “Identifying Child Abuse” for some staff from another NGO this afternoon but the going was tough.

First it was under the afternoon heat and we don’t have the luxury of air-con here (taken often for granted while I was in Singapore). Second got to keep my finger crossed that the electricity won’t be cut suddenly (which means the fans and the OHP will go off) which thankfully did not. Sigh! Power cut is so common here in Cambodia and the cuts get more often during the hot season, when you need it most.

Then thirdly, the participants looked so sleepy and tired which really killed my motivation to teach. Tried very hard to engage them; but felt I was hitting blank walls.

Coming home, an overwhelming sense of pressure sets in once more in full force – the same feeling which has been coming back to me more often in my recent days in Cambodia. The irony is that while I seem so busy, yet things remain so slow. Slowed down by the language limitations, slowed down by the very inefficient work ethics here (or to put it positively and hence risk deceiving myself, their spontaneity), slowed down by cultural “boo-boos”, and slowed down by the telecommunications systems (or the lack of it),…… etc. etc.

It is during such moments that I missed home, missed Singapore, missed my comfort zone, missed my “once-a-upon-a-time” productivity, missed my meaningful pre-occupations, missed my satisfying albeit energy-draining “busy-ness”, and missed my so called “fruitfulness”…

Hey… but slow down a minute … Did I miss a point? Did I say I miss family, friends and people?? Did I say I miss people as much as I miss “productive” Christian ministry to people?

Maybe I really need to slow down and to TRULY slow down…

Not to end up rotting. Rather to take time to reflect and hear God speak!

“Do you truly love me more than all these?”

Maybe, just maybe, blogging may help me to slow down into some rare moments of contemplative inactivity.

Eli-yah

keen to start blogging again..

2006-02-26T20:47:00.000-08:00

i mean regularly.

after all the last (and the first:) blog i wrote was many months ago.. just figured this is a good way to keep in touch with people .. and to update people about what's happening with us and with the work here in Phnom Penh, Cambodia..

so the next entry should be up soon..

grace

first blog ever

2005-07-11T07:17:00.000-07:00

well.. first time here... wonder how it will turn out..

wonder how long it will last ;^P sometimes, even at this age, there's a lot of 3-minute heat (chinese chengyu) but no perseverance.. but anyway, thanks to Andrew for inspiring us to do this.. and for offering his expertise to guide us along..

thanks, XG!

cheers!